because i want to remember

my baby is 16

 

i should be your role model, but you are mine. you are well-rounded. have many friends, love water polo and swimming.

love to babysit and have two babysitting jobs now. you have to workout five days a week or you go crazy. you love life.

you always are laughing and happy. you are full of quiet strength and outward beauty.... you also have a sweet big heart.

you know how to cheer me up when i am sad.

this year you knew it would be hard, so you took upon yourself to set up and decorate the tree and put on daddy's

christmas cd that we always listen to. it warmed my heart and was just what i needed. you are everything to me.

 

savannah at almost 16...

February 2015, savannah had turn about. morgan came up for it and avryl went with them...

 

they had the time of their lives. the 3 of them LOVE TO DANCE!

 

Savannah also joined WATER POLO in feb!  I was shocked! one time we had been watching a

water polo tournament months prior to this and she said, I would NEVER join that game, it's

scary! well never say never, because she LOVES IT SO MUCH! a few highlights from her season!

the very last tournament....daddy had to be taken to the hospital because they were concerned

of tumors on his spine, so aunt cathy took him while I stayed with you at your 3 game tournament.

and the very last game, you scored your FIRST GOAL! this picture is when her team-mate

Ains went swimming over to her and picked her up and danced in a circle with her out of

happiness, so ADORABLE!

 

her hugging her friend Mia...

this one below was taken by a professionaL!

on game days they dress up and I love that!

savannah in mia in their "crazy" pants wanted a photo with the pink ball!

these 3 are inseparable!

crazy auntie jen flew in from arizona and got to come to her game!!!

check out the muscles on my girl, whoa!!!

the team!

ava took this shot of savannah and I love it! I hardly got the camera out unless it was for water polo!

and because it was the craziest summer ever, this brings us to August 19th 2015, the first

day of Sophomore year, and sadly, also the day michael died.

took my girl out for an impromptu photo shoot....

 

savannah worked this summer as a swim coach teaching little kids how to swim. She also

does Stars where she is a coach to special needs ages 13+ and she absolutely LOVES IT!

she also joined another club called Juniorettes that helps out in the community with different

projects. she would join 100 other clubs if she didn't have school/water polo and swim..

which brings me to August of this year she joined the high school swim team! I was so proud of her!

she didn't really want to join because she was afraid of the hard work and commitment that it

takes. 5 nights a week not getting home until almost 7pm but she was so glad she did and she

absolutely had the time of her life!!!

photo below is mia and her sister who they call Sah-roo

turns out her favorite even is the 100 FLY! who would have ever thought! she has improved

her time so much! I am so proud of the hard work she has put in, check out those arms!

 

these two have such a great bond. I love the way they support each other!

this next photo was so fun, savannah is in the pink cap and had just got done swimming a 500!

that's 20 LENGTHS of the pool! i was so proud of her! she did not want to do it, that was her

first time ever and her time was 6.52, really well for her first time! she says she can't wait to do

it again! her friends all ran over to hug her! so so sweet!

 

this is her and neeva who swam the 500 together, talking to coach afterwards!

and lastly, I call these three the 3 muskateers, but they call themselves the BEcky's...

so happy savannah is doing sports and loving them and making lifelong friends along the way.

she is so well rounded and I am so proud of who she is as a person!

dear michael

i can't believe it's been 9 weeks without you.

though it might as well be 9 years because that's how long it truly feels.

i am so happy for you michael, that  you aren't in pain and that you are experiencing

God's beautiful glory and hopefully dancing to some Lady GaGa pokerface.

i have been finding cards, letters, pictures. ones that i had forgotten all about.

it was as if you sent them to me at just the right time. right when i needed to remember the

very most so i could keep moving on.

all the times i doubted your love in the beginning stages when we were dating. i found those

notes to be the most comforting. it was you right from the start, loving me hard. loving me like

nobody ever had before. me loving you right back.

you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

i will always be grateful that you asked me to be your wife.

those were the best days of my life.....

 

 

i will cherish every little piece of you that's left behind.

see you someday....

they've been begging for a new puppy

nope. can't do it.

 

they have to just be happy with piper charlie. age 8...

this was when we got him 11 weeks old!

 

the last photo

the very last photo I ever took of michael and i.

 

 

I didn't expect this to be the last photo, though in my heart, I probably knew.

It hurts to look at it and know that I just didn't want to take any more of his face, I felt

like I was invading his privacy at the end. I held his hand and told him I loved him for hours.

I can't believe he is gone. I am still so numb. it doesn't feel real to me at all.....

I am so glad that I had the chance to take care of him and that in the last month of his life that

we had a super caregiver and I was able to just be his wife. he was such a blessing to me and

I will always feel loved by him for the rest of my life....

don't know what to say. how to feel.

there is a part of me that is at peace with him being gone.

the part that didn't want to see him suffering anymore.

the part that knew deep down he wasn't going to be healed.

 

then there is a part of me that aches for him. misses him.

wants him back with me. the part of me that still wishes he had been healed.

the part of me that sometimes is a little bit angry at God for not stepping in

and performing a miracle when I knew HE could....

 

my husband never asked "why me?" he just went about his fight, quietly.

with full faith and belief that God could heal him. even up until his last breath,

i believe he still thought God might heal him. i held onto a little hope still at the very end.

 

 

i will never stop loving him. missing him. thinking about him.

the hurt i feel when i think about the fact i will never see or hug him earth side again,

it's excruciating.

but then i think that one day we will be together for all eternity and it's enough to get me through.

RIP michael.

he's gone.

my husband, best friend,  my world passed away on August 19th 2015, exactly 3 years to the day

that he had his first symptom indicating a brain tumor.

 

I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race,

I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me

the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous

judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me

but also to all who have loved his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8

 

 

I will never be the same.

 

so hard

things are getting harder.

michael is not feeling well. he has aches and pains, sciatic trouble.

just a general feeling of lousy. there is nothing i can do to help him and it sucks.

he's getting to the point where he feels the end is coming.

he says scary stuff to me . like yesterday he said to watch him closely when he goes to the

bathroom, because he's going to die in the bathroom this week.

 

he also said we had a ghost in our house, a woman and that she used to live here.

he also said there was a scary werewolf with teeth in our basement that used to growl at him

and he equated it with the devil. these things scared the hell out of me, yet i do think it's some sort

of spiritual/demon thing he is battling and he may really see/feel these things through dreams.

he has also experienced bits of  Heaven, especially when he had a near death experience after

having 4 grand mal seizures. he saw himself down on that table dying and he saw a bright light.....

so crazy and scary yet comforting to know.

life is so hard right now. michael is NOT who he used to be. not the same husband at ALL, not

a daddy at all. he's just not him. i hate that. i hate that  he knows that. everyone thinks the brain

tumor messed him up in such a way that he doesn't understand. oh but HE DOES, he gets it ALL.

he just can't get it out sometimes or convey what he's thinking just the right way, but it's ALL THERE!

he may not know the days of the week or be able to read, or even remember birthdays, but he has

every memory of every thing we ever did and he holds them close  to his heart and that is why i

can keep going....because he's still in there and i  still see glimpses of who he was to me.

 

but that doesn't make it any easier. this has been a long almost 32 MONTHS!

 

it's hard, but i do love this guy and want to make him happy for however long he has left, whether

that be a week, a month or a year or hopefully MORE! our anniversary is coming up at the end

of this month and it has me thinking back to our earlier years, life was so simple. wish i could turn

back the clock.....

this girl. ava.

this girl is 13 years and almost 8 months.

i am in denial she will soon be 14.

 

 

 

ever since michael has been sick, i noticed ava has been gravitating toward me more. she used

to be such a daddy's girl, always sitting by or on him. i don't know if it's an age thing or the fact

he's sick , that she is now wanting to be with me more and more. i feel bad for him, but at the same

time, I am loving my girl wanting to be with me all the time.

this girl is dang sweet. she apologizes if she ever says or does anything wrong and genuinely

feels bad about it.

this girl is funny and loud  once you get to know her! she can talk my ear off!

she is a girl that tries hard and does well in school. a perfect 4.0 this semester.

this girl is a big animal lover. all kinds, but mostly dogs and horses.

this girl is shy and has a hard time making friends, but once she does, they are friends for life.

i love that about her! she is really my mini me in so many ways, except for her looks!

she has been keeping a journal and secretly i am cheering on the inside because i love it!

this girl has a tender heart and gets her feelings hurt really easily. she is so sensitive, kind,

loving. 

i am so proud to call her mine~

 

what i have learned to do.

since michael has been sick, i have had a lot of growing up to do.

i have to now do my own grocery shopping. my own errands. yes he used to love to do all of

this for me and it's hurting him so much that he can't.

• i learned that the garage light bulbs have to be a special bulb or they break faster from the friction when the garage opens and closes.

 

• i learned which type of filters we need in the basement and how to put them in.

 

• i learned how to unclog a drain.

 

• i learned how to pack up an AG doll and ship it off (my girls learned how to sell on ebay!)

 

• i learned how to change our health insurance.

 

• i learned how to sign up my husband for medicare.

 

• i learned how to be the one in charge in making decisions for both my girls and my  husband.

 

• i learned when to take my car in for an oil change.

 

• i learned to dole out my husbands meds morning and night because there's no way he could get the dosages correct on his own

 

• i learned how to drive long car trips (he used to do all the driving).

 

• i learned what true, selfless love is.

• i learned so much about myself. some i love and some i don't like at all but i am a work i progress and need to give myself some grace, that i give so freely to others.

 

 

 

• thank you Jesus for teaching me how to love with a love that is true.